Friday, June 16, 2017

Safety alert! Westport now charging $5 for covered parking, hiring attendants--and more guards!

This just in: the REAL news is Westport is so unsafe the merchants have panicked to keep the law abiding customers more safe from crazed druggies and drunks and Bernie Sanders voters out to wreak havoc.

Their FAKE news story is: Whoa, Yea, "We're finding better, safer ways to park your automobile."


Will this hooped bonnet be too tall for me to park my wagon
 in the CharBar covered, well-lit guarded lot in Westport?
 And does it make my white ass look like a big ole target??


I got the flier last night at the awesome movie theatre, The Tivoli.
Starting June 16, parking in the covered lot by the CharBar, which serves the Tivoli and a health club, on Friday and Saturday nights, parking is $5--in advance!

(No more broken toll gates from drunks bursting out of the lot late at night like the James Gang or Johnny Lazio at the Union Station Massacre.)  At $100 per broken gate, the cost for GateGate was prohibitive.)

And the good news for me is, with a stamp at the Tivoli boxoffice when I purchase my movie ticket, the parking attendant will then REFUND my PREPAID $5
IF AND WHEN 
I safely EXIT the covered AND NOW PATROLLED parking lot.

That is generous, and I appreciate it.  Jerry Herrington at the Tivoli runs by far the best art house movie theatre in the metro.  Tho I am also partial to Brian Mossman at Glenwood Arts and the Rio, home to my favorite film festival KIFF, Nov 3-9.

As to the FAKE NEWS flier announcing the parking fees:
Put out by what is now called the Westport REGIONAL Business League, aka westportkcmo.com.
(Are they part of NATO?  Not sure.  Must ask Lecron or Angela Merkel, I guess.)

The flier sweetly recalls Westport's origins showing a covered wagon.  Claiming a shortage of parking because--oh brother this is a stretch--"Westport's street grid and its buildings were made for wagons and walkers--not cars."

Go find Daniel Boone or Jim Bridger or anyone still inside Kelly's who hasn't left that bar since 1833.  Buy 'em a drink if they say that's why Westport needs armed guards and paid parking.

It's BULLSHIT PR.  The reason Westport merchants need armed guards and more lighting and parking lot attendants in bulletproof vests is CRIME.  Wilding.  Gangs of Angry Yutes who don't want to shoot hoops with Sly James, but prefer to menace dating couples out for a Friday or Saturday night date.  Same as the Country Club Plaza.

The supporting false claim in the flier is:
40% of Westport's patrons use taxis or Uber to get to their favorite establishment in Old Westport.

?????Prove it.
If you believe this statistic, you believe Donald Trump's inaugural crowd was the biggest ever.
And KC has 25 million tourists a year.
And 5,000 people a day ride the Toy Train, 
and would like to maraud their merry way to Westport and Main by voting this summer for ToyTrainII, and marching drunk and en masse down Westport Road until ToyTrain III builds another extension line.

(And just for the record, isn't OLD Westport that aging strip center half a mile west, at the Southwest Trafficway with the covered wagon? And a drive thru coffee shop?  Obviously the Westport "Regional" Business "League" hired a copy writer who is not from here.  Perhaps they're "regional".)

Question: Did Uber pay to be in this flier?  Ask Julian Assange.  Or Chelsea Manning.  They have all the facts.

Be safe out there.  KCMO is a summer war zone.

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